Kim

I have been thinking about my life. My childhood, my hopes, my dreams, my sister. I was born on August 3, 1978. I had a mom, dad and an older sister named Kim. Kim was 6 years older than me and I thought she was the best thing in the world. When I was 3 my baby sister Robyn was born. For a long time I thought she was a pest and brat, but now she is my best friend and I don't know what I would do without her. It was a normal life. Lots of playing, ballet, school and bugging my Kim and my cousin Donna. On October 9, 1982 our whole world changed. We had gone to my aunt's house in Florida to visit. They were building a house and had a bush hog tractor on the property. The kids thought it would be fun to take turns riding on the tractor while my uncle drives it around. After a couple of turns my sister and cousin take another ride this time sitting on the hood of the tractor. Next thing we know my sister and cousin fall off and the tractor runs over my sister. Jesus took her home that day. This shakes my family to the core. Our entire family dynamic changes. We are now a family of 4 not 5. We are now the family who you have to whisper around. We are the family that you feel sorry for. I remember being so angry with everyone. I hated the look of pity and the soft pats on the head whenever we went anywhere. The adults would whisper not knowing I knew what they were whispering. Everyone tried to shield me from the pain not realizing they were only adding to the pain and anger. They didn't want to talk about it afraid I would get upset. That was the worst thing they could do. Eventually we got past it and returned to a somewhat normal life. Back to ballet, school and playing. It is hard to think what would have been. I know God is sovereign and He knew what He was doing. I know Kim had her days numbered like the rest of us. It still is hard to wonder about what things would be like. Would she be married? Would I be an Aunt? Would she like my hubbie? How would she have helped me through my divorce? Would we still be as close as we were then? When I visit her gravesite, which isn't often, I tell her about my life. I know it probably sounds weird but it is how I cope. After she died the things I wanted didn't seem to matter as much anymore. Even though I was only 5 it has shaped my entire life. She is always there in the background. I tell my kids about her and keep her as involved in my life as I can. Material things don't matter much to me anymore and haven't since that day. I promised my sister I would see her again one day. I know that is one promise I can keep. God has helped me through her death and has shown me His sovereignty through it. He has used her death as a life lesson I might not have received otherwise. I try to live my life so her life was not in vain. I can't wait to get to heaven and see her waiting for me. To have her arms around me and to run and play and giggle like we used to. To share in all the sister moments we missed. Most of all to glorify our King together like we used to. To sing praises to Him. Kim will always be a part of my life. She has changed me and continues to each year that passes. She will forever live on through me and through the stories I tell my kids.